Navigating Summer Expectations with Your College Kids

A few summers ago, my daughter came home from college. I remember waking up around one in the morning and realizing she wasn't home yet. I looked at the clock, then at my phone. I found myself caught in that familiar internal debate many parents face.

Do I text her?

Do I leave it alone?

Am I worrying unnecessarily, or is it reasonable to want to know where my child is in the middle of the night?

What struck me was that I genuinely wasn't sure what the expectation was anymore. She wasn't a high school student with a curfew. She was a college student who had spent the year making her own decisions. Yet, I was still her mom, lying awake at one in the morning, wondering if she was okay.

The next day, though it felt hard to start, we talked about it. She hadn't done anything wrong. I really didn't want to track her whereabouts. Nor did I try to recreate the rules we had when she was sixteen. We talked because I realized we were both operating with different assumptions about what coming home for the summer meant.

Looking back, I think that's what catches so many families off guard. The challenge isn't usually the dishes, the laundry, or the late nights. It's that everyone has changed.

They Leave as Teenagers...

Over the course of a school year, your college student has been making hundreds of decisions without you. They've figured out when to eat, when to sleep, how much freedom they can handle, who they spend time with, and how they want to manage their day-to-day life.

Some of those decisions may have been excellent. Some may have been questionable. That's part of growing up. Meanwhile, you've changed too. Maybe you got used to a quieter house. Maybe dinner became simpler. Maybe you stopped waiting up at night or wondering when someone would walk through the front door. If you're an empty nester, you may have spent months building new routines, rediscovering hobbies, reconnecting with your spouse, or simply enjoying a little more freedom yourself.

Then summer arrives. Your child comes home expecting a certain level of independence. You find yourself trying to figure out what role you're supposed to play now. You're no longer managing homework, driving carpool, or checking grades. But you're also not simply roommates sharing an apartment. It's a unique stage of parenting, and there isn't always a clear roadmap.

It's About Expectations

When parents tell me they're frustrated with their college student over the summer, the issue is rarely the thing they're arguing about on the surface. It's not really the dirty dishes. It's not really the overflowing laundry basket. It's not even the fact that their child came home at two in the morning. More often, it's the expectations underneath those situations.

Parents assume their young adult will naturally help around the house because they're part of the family. Young adults often assume they're home for a break and don't think much about household responsibilities. Parents assume they'll be told if plans change. Young adults assume they no longer need to check in because they're adults. Parents assume certain things are common courtesy. Young adults may not even realize those expectations exist.

Neither side is necessarily wrong. They're just operating from different rulebooks. The problem is that those rulebooks are usually unspoken.

When ADHD Is in the Picture

For young adults with ADHD, coming home isn't just a change of address. It's another transition. One of the things we know about ADHD is that transitions often require more energy than people realize. Your child has spent months adapting to one set of routines, expectations, schedules, and freedoms. Now they're suddenly switching back to a different environment with different people, different rhythms, and different expectations.

At the same time, summer often removes the structure that was quietly holding things together during the school year. Classes end. Daily schedules disappear. Bedtimes drift later. Meals become less predictable. Responsibilities may become less clear. Even highly capable young adults can struggle when structure changes abruptly.

Parents sometimes interpret this as laziness, lack of motivation, or a bad attitude. More often, it's a sign that their brain is still adjusting. That doesn't mean lowering all expectations. It means recognizing that the first few weeks home may require more communication, more clarity, and a little more patience from everyone involved.

Don't Wait for the Problem

One of the biggest mistakes families make is waiting until they're already annoyed before talking about expectations. By then, the conversation sounds like:

"Can you please clean up after yourself?"

"Why didn't you tell me you weren't coming home?"

"Do you ever help around here?"

Those conversations tend to come from frustration rather than clarity. A much better approach is to have the conversation early, before there's a problem to solve. That conversation doesn't need to be formal or dramatic. It can be as simple as:

"I'm really glad you're home. We've all gotten used to different routines this year, and I think it would help to talk about how we want summer to work."

The goal isn't to create a long list of rules. The goal is to avoid spending the next three months making assumptions about one another. Some of the topics worth discussing are predictable. Communication is usually one of them. What does reasonable communication look like now? Not permission, but communication.

Helping around the house is another. What responsibilities make sense while they're living at home? What does contributing look like in your family? Money often becomes part of the discussion too. Who is paying for gas, groceries, entertainment, or use of the family car? What support are you happy to provide, and where do you want your young adult to take more ownership?

And then there are the topics many parents avoid because they feel awkward: overnight guests, privacy, coming home late, and how shared spaces will be handled. None of these conversations are particularly fun. But they're usually much easier than trying to sort things out in the middle of an argument.

Make the Conversation Easier

One thing I often talk about with parents of young adults is the difference between trying to control behavior and communicating boundaries. When children are younger, much of parenting involves creating rules and structure. As they move into adulthood, that approach becomes less effective. The more we try to control every decision, the more likely we are to end up in power struggles.

Instead, I encourage parents to think about their own needs, limits, and non-negotiables. For example, the issue may not be that your college student stays out late. The issue may be that you're awake worrying because you don't know whether they're coming home. Instead of focusing on their behavior, you might say:

"I don't need to know every detail of your evening, but if you're not coming home or you're going to be out very late, I'd appreciate a text so I'm not lying awake wondering."

The issue may not be that they're an adult who spends time with friends. The issue may be that you're tired of being the only person cleaning the kitchen. The conversation shifts from controlling them to clearly communicating what you need in order for the household to function well. It's a subtle difference, but it often changes the entire tone of the discussion.

You're Building an Adult Relationship

What I wish someone had told me when my kids were in college is that this stage feels confusing because both things are true at the same time. They are adults. And they still need us. They are independent. And they are still learning. They want freedom. And they often benefit from guidance.

The goal isn't to recreate high school. It's also not to pretend that living together requires no expectations or communication. The goal is to begin building an adult relationship—one rooted less in control and more in mutual respect. That takes conversation. It takes flexibility. It takes a willingness to revisit expectations as everyone adjusts.

And sometimes, it starts with a one o'clock-in-the-morning realization that your child has grown up, but you're still figuring out what that means too.

Embracing the Journey Together

As we navigate these transitions, remember that it's okay to feel uncertain. So many parents share similar experiences. Embrace the opportunity to grow alongside your young adult. Open communication can pave the way for a smoother summer and a stronger relationship.

So, how can you foster that connection? Start by sharing your feelings and inviting your child to share theirs. If you're new to open communication, it can be hard, but create a safe space for dialogue. This will help both of you understand each other's perspectives better.

In the end, it's about creating a home environment where everyone feels valued and respected. Sometimes we stumble, but it is also incredibly rewarding. You're building a foundation for a lifelong relationship. So, take a deep breath, and jump in.